Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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