You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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