i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
