I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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