can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
