i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
