I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
