i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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