I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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