Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
