and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
