Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
