Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
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