Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
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