Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
