when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
