I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
