I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
