That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Randomize
