And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
