i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Randomize
