Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
