Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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