Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
