No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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