i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
