Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
