Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
