Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
