omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
