I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
