i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
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