I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
