when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
bring money and cleavage
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
