I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
