Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
