she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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