She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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