exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
