He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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