hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
