it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Randomize
