I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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