He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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