I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.�
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I would fuck him just for his dog
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
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