apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
