Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
