you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
