You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
