Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
